titles for how-to essays i could but won't write

how to live the good agnostic/hindu/jain/progressive-southasian life while making oneself *and* one's parents happy (the true duty of every south asian who was once the child of south asian parents)

how to live the utterly disorganized, yet charmingly purposeful life. How this is a lie and does not exist -- instead, how such a life leads to increased chaos in the universe-- at least one's own universe. As well as its immediate surroundings.

how to obtain the most perfectly-shaded outrageous pale orange purse at an upscale shoe-store on one's last day in Delhi, while dashing around on last minute errands before one heads to Indira Gandhi International Airport

how to agonize for days, as to whether one will or will not, or should, or should not, take up an "youcan't get a better deal than this" apartment, then turn it down in favor of living in ones co-op of eight folks, and then wonder if one made the right decision

how to (gently) snub that one uncle/aunty (they come in a pair) who, since they didn't have kids, give didactic advice on how to run one's life, and then,
how to feel guilty for not having shown the proper enthusiasm for - or respect for- that particular pair of uncle/aunti, and yet, how to simultaneously feel that one simply cannot bear yet another non-conversation with them.

how to sigh and roll one's eyes, extremely slightly and subtlely, (just so), to properly exasperate one's parent while he/she is in mid-soliloquy about his/her _____________________ (fill in the blank here---->for example, "his/her collection of Jain audiotape lectures purchased in 1991 and kept in pristine, dust-free condition for the edification of future generations"

how to spend hundreds of dollars to fly to the east coast in April, and yet never take a walk in the park with the blooming deep yellow forsythia that one hasn't seen in 10 years