in Paterson... today is thursday... well actually it's past 1 a.m., so technically it's friday...
anyway, am typing this from pappa's hospital room... he's sleeing... peacefully enough, it seems... it's disturbing to see him so weak. i really really really hope this operation has helped him and not harmed him, really hope.
glancing over at him now and then to make sure he's breathing alright. yeah i'm morbid, and maybe, just maybe, a bit paranoid, but waddyagonna do about it...
his blood pressure was quite low today, even for him, with his chronically low bp... hmm. worrisome. he's worried i know... this takes so much out of him, out of us... these hospital stays... we've become strangely used to it... this time it, meaning the whole routine of how things go here, everything is more familiar. whether we want to or not, we are becoming old hands at this. gosh. who would want to? unless you are a doctor or nurse or something. the nurses at the Open Heart recovery room were great. not that he had open heart surgery, but he did get a tunnel created in his upper chest, so the surgeon wanted to make sure he was well taken care of for the firt 24 hours... at least... now that he's back on the 4th floor, it's back to the family... it's up to the family and the patient to make sure that the right questions are asked... that's just how it is, these days... short staffed on nurses... all hospitals are, i understand, from talking to people...
exhausting... it takes its toll on all of us.
last year, when pappa was admitted to the hospital after fainting, and it turned out he had a n arrhthmia and needed an ICD, then... at that time, i freaked out. Freaked out. and actually lost weight even (a little) since i was constantly, CONstantly at the hospital. felt guilty about even going home for a couple of hours.
but now so exhausted .... of course tongight i'm in the hospital, watching over him... i've positioned this armchair thingies so that i face him... his neck does seem a bit bent fwd... hope he doesn't get a crick in it... i'll hit post on this, and then go try to adjust his bed a bit so that it's in a more noral postion... but hope i won't wake him up... well, the sleeping med he's taking has made him groggy indeed, though...
i worry about my mother too... all this... so much to deal with.
but then this is what life about... no life is possible without the surety of death.
and disease is but one ethod, isn't it?
morbid, my thoughts are
ahh... better go and try to adjust his neck...
later...
Thursday, June 22, 2006
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2 comments:
You're doing great--all very normal thoughts.
I remember having the thoughts at times that it's surprising what we can get used to. Like you said "we've become strangely used to it."
And you're absolutely right that except for the special care units, "it's up to the family and the patient to make sure that the right questions are asked." Since you know and are acting on that, you are doing everything that you can for your father.
I was going to end this with "take care of yourself" like I usually do, but I also remember this kind of surreal place where you seem to be when that isn't really relevant advice--when self, and patient, and hospital, all get kind of rolled into one for awhile. And that's probably normal, too. You can be a little more focused on what's best for you in a day or two.
How is your dad now? I hope he is doing well.o
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